(I am sincerely looking for answers, so if you have any comments or thoughts, please tell me.)
I know I've told people a hundred and fifty times "I will never marry. I do not want to be married", that isn't true. I would be awful sad and lonely to be single and alone for the rest of my life. There is something in every girl, in every woman, that longs to be loved by one man and to be wholly his. It's a beautiful design God has placed in the hearts of his creatures.
When I was a child, I had crushes. Guys were cute, guys were attractive, they were fun to play with. I enjoyed their company, and honestly, they are easier to talk to than girls. But it wasn't truly one guy or another that I fell in love with, it was the idea of love and the desire to be loved. This is the difference between a girlhood understanding of love and a woman's understanding. A girl just longs to be loved, to be held, to be kissed, to feel the beat of his heart, to call his name and giggle over him. She doesn't actually doesn't love him, she loves the idea of "love". This is why she will eventually just move on. A woman sees a man, one man, that she would die for. She knows it will be hard, it will be long, it may hurt, but she sacrifices herself for him. If she loves a good man, he will do the same for her. The thrills, the hugs, the kisses are all just icing on the cake. They will follow the true love; the sacrifice of yourself comes first. This is the fundamental reason dating doesn't work. You start with the icing and once that is gone, what is left? Nothing. You must start with the eggs, sugar, milk, and flour. It takes works, lots of work, but it's worth it. Once it's been through the fire, been baked, beaten, whipped, and, if it's still there, then the frosting goes on.
Over this past month, I've been thinking hard about all of this, what I plan for relationships, what I think about dating, what I think about marriage, etc. I've examined my heart, and found I do care, I care deeply. However, I am of the strong opinion that is the guy who needs to lead the relationship. He is the leader, I must be the follower. Therefore, even if I care strongly, the guy is the one who must ask for my feelings. I must not ask for his. I must be still and wait. Wait, even if my hair turns gray and my face is wrinkly. Am I wrong in this philosophy?
How do I know if a love is real? I know that I would gladly die for any of my guy friends, so how do I know which I should marry? By that criteria, I could marry anyone! Seriously. Obviously, life would be easier if I married a confessional LCMS guy who shares all my moral views, loves my family, etc. But that doesn't mean that I couldn't live if it was someone else. For the sake of my children (and for my own sanity), I will marry someone who is a confessional LCMS Lutheran. He must respect my parents wishes, particularly my fathers. But that doesn't really cross out any guys off the list. So what then? He needs to be a good match? What is a good match?
Ultimately, does it matter what my heart says? No, my brain must govern, even if it's decision tears out my heart. Silly girl, I know, but I am determined. I am full of questions. I must know before I leave this fall. This summer will be the summer of trial and questioning.
But what summer isn't?
Remember my dad's class, Anna. I think you're completely right about the cake vs. the icing: it's basically exactly what Dad was saying. But as far as knowing who to marry, again, there's no "Mr. Right" (or Mrs. Right if you're a boy :P). You can lead a perfectly happy life with any of the "guys on your list". If there's a group of objectively good guys (confessional LCMS, respect your parents and their wishes, etc.), then look farther. What is their personality? Do they not only have the same values and beliefs on moral issues (are they confessional LCMS again), but will they agree on issues like raising children, dating, even down to what kind of books you or your children should read. It's all important. A life long union, Anna. Look to the chemistry between you two. That will probably cross of some guys. Even if it doesn't, look to your heart! Like Pastor Grobien said, if there's a guy who is good in all the ways, and you kind of like him, it could be a good indication. Clearly, the romance comes later. But it's a good hint for where to start. Talk to your parents, have them talk to the guy, or to his parents.
ReplyDeleteIt might be a few years til you actually start doing this (then again, maybe not, depends...) but you asked.
It's all from Dad's class. I couldn't answer any of these questions until the class either. :)
So, yes, it does matter what your heart says!